Kind of over it…

I’m 34w5d today.

And I’m done.  I’m cranky and stiff and my crotch hurts.

It’s crossed my mind fairly often that since this is the last time I’ll ever be pregnant (THE LAST! WE’RE DONE!!! Sorry, mom) that I should try to enjoy it.  But I just do not enjoy pregnancy.  This one has been so much easier than with Miles, but I still don’t really like it.

I also want to point out that it’s not lost on me how freakin’ fortunate we are that we got pregnant as soon as we wanted to and I’ve been able to carry both to term without any complications.  I’m almost embarrassed by how fast we got pregnant both times.  And I do NOT take it for granted.  It’s seriously very humbling.

I feel like Remy’s impending arrival has a whole new slew of anxieties because I also have my sweet Miles to think about.  He’s SO excited, but I’m sure he doesn’t have any idea about how his little life is about to change.  I find myself grieving for him and myself.  Torn between sucking up all the time I can with my precious first born and also getting ready and excited for Remy to come complete our family.  Miles has never not had our total, undivided attention.  And I can’t imagine having another little person around that’s just as important as he is to me.

I got him potty trained (minus nighttime) just in time for him to regress when Remy gets here.  I hear that’s common anyway.  And he is, as my therapist said, a “challenging kid.”  I guess another word would be “spirited.”  When he’s in a good mood, he’s so funny and smart and adorable. But when the switch flips, it’s purgatory.  He’s a little ticking time bomb.  But he gives the sweetest hugs and slobberiest kisses.  He’s SO friendly and loves making new friends.  And when other kids aren’t friendly back, it seriously breaks my heart.  Sometimes I think he’s too sweet for this mean, old world.

Basically, I’m a hormone casserole who’s torn between WANTING THIS BABY OUT NOW and wanting just a little bit more time with Miles as my only child.  Might be singing a different tune if Remy decides to stay holed up in there until August.  I’ll go in there with pliers and a flashlight and get him myself.

22 Weeks

How far along? 22w2d
Total weight gain/loss: I think I’ve gained 15 pounds so far.  But between my 16 week and 20 week check-ups, I only gained one pound.  #winning
Maternity clothes? Majority of the time I’m in maternity clothes.  I’m quickly learning what clothes will still fit and which ones won’t.  Plus, maternity clothes are just so dang comfy.
Stretch marks? None.  Didn’t have any with Miles either.  Or if I have some, they’re the same color as my ghostly skin.
Sleep: I wake up between 3:00 and 4:00 but I can usually fall back to sleep.  The bizarre, vivid dreams tho….gots to go!
Movement: Lots of little pokes, nudges and rolls.  Nothing Matt can feel yet.
Food cravings: All of it.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Going 10 minutes without eating (weight gain is about to pick up RAPIDLY.)
Have you started to show yet: Been showing since about 8 weeks, thanks to Miles wrecking my abs.
Leakage: Only when I laugh, sneeze or puke.  Or cough.  Or walk.
Gender prediction: It’s another bouncing baby boy!
Labor Signs: None, just lots of round ligament pain.
Belly Button in or out? Flat.
Wedding rings on or off? I put them on in the mornings, but they’re off most of the day since I pee every 20 minutes.
Happy or Moody most of the time? Usually happy.  But then angry.  Followed by sad.  Food helps.
Weekly Wisdom: Don’t let the damn hospital pressure you about breastfeeding!!!  We will be bringing formula with us.  They can suck it.
Milestones: I’m over halfway there.  We have a crib and a glider and one box of diapers.  Should be all we need, right?

It was around this point with Miles that I had some sort of MS-relapse and my right eye twitched non-stop and I couldn’t move the right side of my face.  It was miserable.  So far, Remy has been relatively kind.  I get queasy every day but I eat Preggie Pop Drops like candy (because they are), drink tons of water and chew gum.

I actually feel pretty good to be pregnant, working and wrangling a 2.5 year old.  He knows there’s a baby in my tummy and his name is Remy.  He also thinks he has a baby in his tummy.  So that’s awkward. The plan is to potty train him next weekend, but the poor little squirt is so small, he can barely sit on the potty at school.  So…that could get interesting.  He’s so sweet and funny.  I’m trying to be mindful that these are my last few months of just the 3 of us (ok, 4 of us, I heard you, Ella!)  Miles and I bake every weekend and I took him to the park Saturday morning.  He insisted I go with him down the tallest, twisty slide.  It was a FAST slide.  I saw my life flash before my eyes.  He said he wanted to go by himself, but I honestly doubted he would.  Then, I saw him coming shooting out of the end of the slide.  He caught some wicked air and landed on his bottom.  I ran over and started dusting him.  He yelled, “I do it again!!” And he did it 3 or 4 more times.  He proved me wrong, that tiny minx.

 

Baby #2

I already feel like I’m short-changing this poor baby.  I’m 17 weeks and there’s barely been a whiff of his existence outside my family/close friends.

He keeps me aware of his presence by tap dancing on my bladder.  He’s looking bigger than his brother did at this stage and I WILL call him “he” until I’m proven very, very wrong at our anatomy scan. But I saw a weiner at his first trimester screening.  Unmistakable.

I felt super, SUPER weird during the two-week wait on November.  Very short of breath, crazy dreams.  Nothing like I had with Miles.  Dr. Google informed me that the shortness of breath could be an early pregnancy symptom because progesterone levels can affect your breathing.  So the day before Thanksgiving, November 23, I got up at my usual 5:30am and peed on a stick.  I saw that second line come up pretty fast, so NATURALLY, I took a pic of the test and sent it to Misti and Judith saying, “Is that a second line?”

Misti said, “It sure as hell is!”

So I told a half-awake Matt that I was pregnant and he was unresponsive, per usual.

I was giddy excited all day at work.  Then I got home and realized the sad, hard, cold truth that my evening glass of wine was to be no more.  I wasn’t ready.  I had half of box of wine in the fridge.  Giving me come-hither eyes every time I opened the door.  I reasoned to myself that at 3 weeks, 4 days, me and baby didn’t even share a blood supply, so WHAT WOULD IT HURT?  So  yeah.  I drank half a box of wine that day I found out I was pregnant.

YOLO.

Symptoms hit me like a bulldozer at 5 weeks with Miles.  This time around, I was good until the 6th week BUT OMG NEVER BEEN SO SICK IN MY LIFE.

Every morning and night, I was sick.  And every time I threw up, I peed my pants.  More than once, I threw up so hard that I split my bottom lip open.  I spent most of my days reading first trimester blog posts for some commiseration.  By week 8, I stopped trying to hide it at work.  I didn’t care who saw my sea-sick wrists bands or who I was talking to when I abruptly ran to the bathroom to hurl.  I gave no effs.

I’m still taking the occasional Zofran, but I don’t need it multiple times a day anymore.  I can’t get enough pineapple and sausage and Wendy’s hamburgers and salad and last weekend I had some mozzarella sticks that still frequent my most pleasant dreams.

I eat and I eat a lot and I can currently keep most of it down.

I know I was still puking at 22 weeks with Miles, so fingers crossed that this babe shows mercy on his poor toddler-chasing mommy.  It’s bad enough being sober and unmedicated.

Music

Lacey Sturm – Faith

Lacey Sturm – Run to You

Eisley – Defeatist

I’ve had this saved in my drafts folder for…I can’t even remember.  The election, I think.  Or the “election” as I’m prone to call it because it’s been ONE HELL OF A CLUSTER.

Anyway.  The 3 songs above are probably my favorite songs of the year.

I know Lacey Sturm (former Flyleaf frontwoman) isn’t everyone’s cup of tea.  But the woman can write a bridge.  Legit tears each time I listen to those two songs.

“Faith” is about Christ’s love for the church and His relentless pursuit of her.  At least listen to the bridge.  With a tissue.

“Run to You” is about the prodigal son and all I can think of when I listen to it is Miles and how I’ll always be there no matter what.

I don’t really like that Stacey and Chauntelle left Eisley but their newer stuff is quite enjoyable.  Actually, any song that reminds me of Miles is enjoyable.  There’s a part that says, “I usually give up so easily.  I let my head hang down before I even see a truth as plain as day staring back at me.”  I think she (Sherri) is referring to her two daughters as the “truth” and it reminds me how Miles has made me stronger.  Also, go follow Sherri on IG because her little girls are caaayuuute!

June

The end of September is an appropriate time to blog about June, correct?

I swear, I wake up, I drink the coffee, then it’s lunch time, then I drink the coffee, then it’s dinner time, bathtime, Fargo time (for mommy) and then I get ready to do it all again.

And I don’t even remember May.

Nope.  Not a thing.

Daycare was closed June 10th and 13th, so I took off the 13th and stayed home with the nugget.  I brought him to work where he wore himself out playing with my co-workers.  I got Taco Bell and Starbucks.  He napped for 3 hours, which I thought was strange.

The next morning, I noticed he had a pretty vicious cough.  Like a barking seal.  So I took him to the doctor and he was diagnosed with croup.  They gave me a steroid pill to crush up and put in his food.  Since the child DOES NOT EAT, I tried to tempt him with a Wendy’s Frosty.  Worked ok, although later that night, I noticed most of the crushed pill was still on the back of the spoon I’d used to crush it.

Hmph.

That night wasn’t great.  Miles wasn’t fussy or anything, but that cough was so loud and terrible that I could not sleep.  I wrapped him up in a blanket at 1a.m. and sat on our patio, rocking him and letting the cool wet air soothe his little throat.  It’s so peaceful at 1a.m.

I put him back to bed and tried to sleep downstairs where I couldn’t hear the barking seal as much.  But I never really went to sleep.

He was pretty pitiful the next day.  We both were, actually, but I’m fortunate enough to have coffee and booze at my disposal.

Looking back, rocking him on the patio in the middle of the night was a sweet moment.  Cuddled up in blankets and the stars were out and the air immediately quieted his cough. Usually, I’m a ball of anxiety about being up during the night with a sick baby.  But I just sat there and rocked and didn’t think about anything else.  Just the exhausted, warm, snuggly cuddle lump pressed against me.

 

April

Really neglected this blog lately.

Things have been a little chaotic.

In April, we went to Texas and Louisiana to see our families.  I, per usual, had been fretting about it since January.  Flying 4+ hours with a very mobile toddler, totally disrupting his routine with a 2 hour time change, sleeping in a strange place, lots of activity, LEAVING ELLA BEHIND…I’ll admit I was not looking forward to it.

We dropped Ella off at the boarders (with special instructions that the next day was her birthday) at 11a.m. and finagled 2 adults, 2 suitcases, 2 carry-ons and one spider monkey through security.  Miles decided right at the start of the security process (where you take your shoes off, put all your crap in those bins, etc) that he would throw his most epic tantrum yet.  He originally liked his monkey leash.  He then decided he no longer liked his monkey leash.  I don’t remember how we got through security (rage blackout), but we made it.

Side note:  Like an IDIOT, I’d packed my brand new bottle of Bumble & Bumble hair primer in my carry-on.  Yeah.  I watched the guard throw it in the garbage.  BAD BAD START.

As to be expected, Miles burned through all the activities I’d brought for him before we even taxied down the runway.  Luckily we bought him his own seat AND even managed to get him to nap for a bit.  Matt and I celebrated with whiskey and scotch.

After a tolerable layover at DFW, we get to Monroe Regional Airport at about 9:30 that night.  Luckily, it was only 7:30 to Miles, so he was still in a pretty good mood.

Majorly pleasant surprise:  The kid slept like a rock.  I had envisioned long, dark nights of rocking and sshhh-ing and patting a disoriented bambino, but he really gave us no problems in the sleep department.

The wedding was great.  I ate tons of gumbo and got to see a lot of people we haven’t seen since we moved to Oregon.  Miles ran around like pinball, so he was nice and tired at bedtime.

We spent another day in Louisiana before getting up at the absolute ASS-CRACK of dawn to fly to Dallas.  We were in Dallas before 7:30a.m.  That’s how early our flight was.  We stopped at The Bucks and then Miles went back to sleep at Gammy and Papa’s for a couple of hours.

He was wearing his Pokey Little Puppy overalls and looking beyond adorable when we went to the aquarium later.  He was having so much fun and then he suddenly wilted.  I felt his wittle head and could tell he had fever.  PERF.  So he spent the afternoon sleeping on Papa.

When his fever spiked around 10p.m. we took him to urgent care.  They told us he had a double ear infection.  In hindsight, I think they told us that just to give us a diagnosis of some sort. We would later discover (on the way to the airport to fly home) that his “diaper rash” was actually hand, foot and mouth disease.

So that made for a fun flight.  I don’t think I cried more than Miles, but we were pretty even.  Matt just looked at me and said, “Never again.”

Geez.  This was longer than I first thought it would be.  I’ll have to wrap this up in another post.

And I have to pee.

 

YouTube and Pretties

I get it. I’m a terrible blogger.  I GET IT.

I actually have 3 posts in my Drafts folder.  Maybe I’ll post them just for the helluvit.

But lately, after over a year of completely half-assing my make-up and hair, I’ve really really begun enjoying it again.  This is mainly due to Misti Dawn Harrington Walker introducing me to Nars Sheer Glow foundation and Radiant Creamy concealer.  They are honestly life-changing.  Since then I’ve been compelled to buy make up brushes (a mish mash of Sigma, ELF and Real Techniques), bronzer (Wet’n Wild’s Reserve Your Cabana) and even start wearing perfume again.

Speaking of…I’m obsessed with Coach’s Poppy fragrance.  It’s a delicious battle between wanting to sniff myself ALL DAY LONG and worrying about looking like a freak in public.  But it smells so good, I could cry. Perf combo of citrus and vanilla.poppy

I also have a new love for YouTube beauty Vloggers.  Specifically Emilynoel83 (her voice is soooooooooooooooo pleasant.  Sometimes I listen to her videos at work because it just has this real comforting quality.)  Kathleenlights is SO STINKING CUTE I COULD CRY.  She’s just the most adorable, doe-eyed little thing.  And while Jaclyn Hill can be borderline obnoxious, she’s so sincere and endearing.  AND yesterday, she did a video with The Balm’s Mary Lou-Manizer and realized I had a sample of it squirreled away in my vanity. I used it this morning and omglove.  So thank you, Jaclyn, for reminding me of random crap I own.

balm

I’ve been looking for a cheaper dupe of the Nars Sheer Glow so I tried Maybelline’s Matte & Poreless foundation.  Just….no.  It’s either crap or I got the wrong color because I look like a pock-marked mime when I wear it.

So I just bought Tarte’s Rainforest of the Sea foundation because of rave reviews I saw on Reddit and also got Benefit’s Erase Paste because it’s Emilynoel83’s holy grail concealer.  Peer pressure!  I cannot cover my dark circles. And I’m too cheap to buy the infamous YSL Touche Éclat.  So fingers crossed.

Also, I haven’t worn eye shadow since we moved to Portland.  Four+ years ago.  So I started small with an UD Basics palette and I loooooooooooooooooove it.

urban

I really only wear Skimp and Cover, but that’s because I’m a scared little weeny.

I’ll get there.

Now, someone give me $3,454,444,234 and a YouTube channel (and some talent) and I’ll be able to make this rediscovered interest my passion!